120 Funny One-Liners That Will Have You Giggling

When it comes to funny one-liners, few comedians delivered them as quickly and with as much timing as the late, great Rodney Dangerfield. The American comic was known for his self-deprecating humor that often centered around hilarious one-liners that had audiences in stitches. With just a few words Dangerfield would have a room full of people cracking up with funny jokes about his life, silly puns, and the occasional dad joke.

Although he has passed on, there are still some comedians who have carried on the one-liner tradition, such as UK comedians Jimmy Carr, Milton Jones, and Tim Vine. Sadly the one-liner isn’t as popular in the United States anymore, so we thought it was about time to bring it back with this collection of humorous one-liners. 

What you will find below are nuggets of wit and silliness with the power to crack smiles, induce guffaws, and turn a dull moment into a memorable one. It’s amazing how with just a few well-chosen words you can have your friends and family doubling over in laughter. Whether it’s a classic one-liner from a comedy great or a modern zinger, these one-liners are sure to pack a punch.  So, get ready to laugh as we dive into the world of funny one-liners.

120 Funny One-Liners That Will Have You Giggling

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1. Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
2. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
4. I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
6. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
8. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
9. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Life is like a bird. It’s pretty until it shits on your head. 
12. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
13. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
14. Don’t hate it when someone answers their own question? I do.
15. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems – the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
16. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
17. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
18. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
19. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
20. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
21. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
22. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad of an electrician I am. 
23. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
24. A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
25. I never knew what happiness was until I got married – and then it was too late.
26. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
27. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
28. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
29. There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
30. Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
31. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
32. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.
33. Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
34. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling.
35. I used to think I was indecisive, but I’m not so sure anymore. 
36. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
37. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.
38. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
39. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
40. They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
41. My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
42. I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
43. Did you hear about the fight at the restaurant last night? Four fish got battered.
44. One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
45. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
46. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
47. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
48. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
49. Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
50. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
51. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
52. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
53. Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
54. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
55. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
56. Birthday cake was invented as a distraction from aging bones and balding heads.
57. The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
58. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
59. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
60. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
61. Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
62. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
63. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s still on the list. 
64. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
65. Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
66. I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy every minute of it.
67. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
68. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – all it was doing was gathering dust.
69. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
70. A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else; the same with good manners. 
71. I used to believe that all things must pass – until I got stuck behind a school bus.
72. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
73. Did you hear the one about the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
74. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
75. I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.
76. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
77. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
78. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
79. Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
80. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…”
81. Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
82. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
83. Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.
84. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.
85. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
86. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
87. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
88. Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
89. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
90. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
91. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
92. I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
93. Keep the dream alive – hit your snooze button.
94. Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
95. The person who invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
96. A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.
97. I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
98. The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
99. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
100. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
101. I had an “hourglass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
102. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
103. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
104. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
105. My father drank so heavily when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.
106. Blunt pencils are really pointless.
107. Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
108. Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
109. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
110. One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
111. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
112. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
113. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a motherboard?” and he said, “I tell her about my job.”
114. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. 
115.  I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
116. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
117. A perfectionist walked into a bar – apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
118. I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
119. A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
120. If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?